The Counting Game

174

"So. Magic. What's it all about, then? I wonder what you were after when you go into the game. It's usually something. Something specific that you think is worth taking risks for. Money. Sex. Revenge. Power. Enlightenment. Thinner thighs in thirty days. It's a long time ago for most of you, I know. Maybe you don't remember. Fuck, maybe you don't even want to. But I'll tell you something for free. At rock bottom, it's always about the same thing. It's always about entropy. The Universe is winding down. Things fall apart. The moving finger writes, and what it writes is "Tough shit." You can't get something for nothing. Like God said to Adam when he kicked him out of the garden, "Now you've got to work for a living." If there ever was a free lunch, it ended right there. So we push and we pull and we sweat. Putting in a shit-load of energy to get a little back. Third Law of Thermodynamics, right? The one we all love to hate. Cheers. But with magic, it's different. Or it could be. Case in point -- this fine old plonk. How did it get here? Grapes had to ripen. Peasants had to toil. Some plucky kid in Marks and Sparks had to zip a long the aisles with his pricing gun. Lots of effort. Lots of energy. And once it's gone, it's gone. When things fall apart -- they do not put themselves back together again. But if you ask a demon to bring you some wine -- or jiffy some up with a spell -- well, you're cheating the taxman, aren't you? It comes for free. No grapes. No peasants. No entropy. So here we all are, then. Chasing the earthly paradise. Trying to sneak back into Eden through the back door, because work is for mug punters. You stupid arrogant little shits. We're not playing fire, -- here we're playing with napalm. There's a war on and we're whoring with the enemy for pennies. Innocent people die when we fuck up. And we fuck up all the time. Oh, don't get me wrong. Eden's a nice place. I was there a few months back. Left a piece of myself buried in the ground there, for reasons I won't go into. So I can tell you, God hates our kind most especially. The cheats. The hellblazers. The collaborators. Look -- this is what Heaven has to say to the likes of us."

^ TLDR

175

"My talent's for lying. For sticking the knife in when people least expect it. Then walking away with a smile and a wave before they even realize they're bleeding."

176

177

"Son! Why did you spill that milk?"
"It was an accident!"
"YOU were an accident!"  

178

A man and woman fell on hard times and decided that they needed to take desperate measures in order to make money. So the man begins to rent his wife out for sexual favors, in exchange for money. After the first night, he picks her up off the corner and asks how she did. She smiles and tells him she made 240 dollars and 50 cents!

Scoffing, the man asks her who gave her 50 cents.

The woman replied: All of them did.

179

180... And a few words to go along with it (those were the words)  

181

"When you tear out a mans tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say."

182 "If I wanted to hear an asshole, I would've farted"   

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Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?" 

Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"

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And it was my tape! !!

189

"Why change? Everyone has his own style. When you have found it, you should stick to it." - Audrey Hepburn

190

 Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow. "Fifty dollars! ", she would shout from the curb. 

"No. Five dollars!" , fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! " 

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator. 

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives. 

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill . . . "See what you get for five bucks?"

191

I loved that clinton one

192 "Hey man, I like totally did NOT screw her brains out, I promise!"

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I did not have sexual relations with that woman. But I am wearing her underwear.

196

I once went to a speed dating thing, where this girl asked me what I liked. She was ugly, so I said penis. And, well, she had one  

I had a cross dresser hit on me once. I wasn't sure if I should be afraid or flattered.

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